#14 Happy PTSD Awareness Month - My Journey (6/1/23)

 

Since June is PTSD awareness month and I feel passionate about destigmatizing everything to do with holistic well-being and mental health, I think it is only fitting to give a testimonial about my journey of having complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). I cannot, and will not, speak for anyone else when I speak on matters of mental health, or try to give a bunch of universal technicalities which is best left to a google search or talking with a professional. However, I am an expert on my truth and know hearing real-world experiences of people living and thriving while having their mental health in mind is important, especially within the Black community. So, while I know it may be met with some judgment, fear, and good ole fashion stigma by some folks now or down the line, I am really excited to talk more candidly about my experience of living with C-PTSD this month. I continue to feel honored to hold space for these discussions beyond this month here on my blog and through other creative, public speaking, and scholarly ventures. 

July 8th, 2023, will make it two years since I have been in bi-weekly therapy, excluding a 3-month period during this timeframe when I was not in therapy. This also does not count the hours of personal development work I do on the daily basis to remain grounded, regulated and have the clarity of mind to show up in my life how I wish to, through embodiment practices like art, walks, mediation, breathwork, journaling, tarot, podcasts, books, etc. Since my therapist doesn't use a clinical approach grounded in definitive diagnosis categories throughout our sessions and instead centers the daily impacts of experiencing trauma all throughout my life as a Black woman living during this especially capitalist time in the United States of America, I did not formally learn of my diagnosis until last July when I went to go submit a year's worth of therapy reimbursement paperwork. A delay that I felt wildly guilty about at the time out of embarrassment for feeling so non-functional, which was really intense shame out of feeling not good enough AGAIN. I remember contemplating many times, "I have had an entire 365 days after all. How am I in a PhD program and I cannot submit therapy reimbursement paperwork on time?" I have come to recognize that no social or professional status overrides or changes the fact that I live with C-PTSD, nor takes away the symptoms this diagnosis comes with. Now, instead of beating myself up for not showing up perfectly I choose to feel very grateful that I had the funds at the time to ride out the delay and continue to have access to good mental health care through my graduate program.

My first reaction of seeing those four little letters, p, t, s, d, was a constriction in my chest out of a fear of not knowing what this fully means for me long-term, and then within seconds, there was a release of pressure because I had never felt so seen before. I will admit that I am happy that in my experience I was able to really dig into various experiences of trauma for an entire year before my formal learning of my diagnosis because I do think it has helped me to not see C-PTSD as being all of who I am, and instead as just a lens to better understand myself through as I do now. I also will say that I had a good idea that I had C-PTSD way before ever beginning therapy at all. However, since my complex ptsd originates from enduring childhood trauma, and one of the very real symptoms I live with is a very bad memory of my past, despite rationally knowing a lot of why I show up the way I do, so much of my trauma does live trapped within my nervous system and body memory. Personally, knowing my diagnosis brought me a sense of validation that even if I do not remember it all, the symptoms I live with are very real and not a figment of my imagination. It is not just my personality to feel cagey, anxious, disembodied, have little sense of space and time, hypervigilant, fearful, sad, triggered, jumpy, emotions nonexistent or bursting at the seams, so so so very angry and resentful at the world, wondering what others are thinking of me, feeling like I can't breathe, wondering if these wounds will ever heal, ALL at the very same time, and yet look so very composed most of the time excluding an explosive episode here and there. 

Looking through all my artwork, I chose the two images to accompany this post because I believe they do a good job of showcasing how I feel a lot of the time when it comes to living with C-PTSD, however I will admit that these days it is nowhere as often as it used to be. I will go into the painting and photo more in depth in another post on another day. For now, this feels like enough to start the convo with. I must say, my child inside feels very happy to be more validated by me these days.

 until next time, with Love, the DLB